Sizeism

Ever met up with a Sizeist?   You know what a Sizeist is.  It's someone who is prejudice against people's size.  They exist, people, and they're everywhere.

We're not being oversensitive here.  We're also not stupid.

Do any of these people sound familiar?:

• The person who is chummy with everyone in the room but can't look YOU in the eye.
• The person at a store counter who deliberately looks past you to the next customer.
• The person who looks at you up and down first before shooing you away (like when you're applying for a job, maybe?).

These people are Sizeists.  They've made up their mind about you without even attempting to know who you are, and they've decided they don't like you because of your size.  It happens every day to all of us who are Big.

Of course, the same happens to people who are of a different skin color, or a different sexual orientation, among other factors.  The only difference is that society admits that those prejudices are wrong.  So far, Sizeism is barely recognized at all.

It's a battle we're never going to win.  The sad part is, it hurts.  That person I see every day who can't look me in the eye -- it hurts.

The Invisible Man

There's a movie from 1995 called "Heavy."  Victor, the main character, played by actor Pruitt Taylor Vince, is big.  Like in most films about big people, he's portrayed as being a sad character.  In one scene he's in a hospital cafeteria, and there's an annoying man there who basically can do whatever he wants.  He explains to Victor that people don't want to see him because he doesn't fit into their minds of what they want to see, and that Victor as well can do whatever he likes because they are both invisible.

I am invisible.  Many is the time I've been in a line or at some sort of a sales counter, and when my turn comes up, the salesperson literally walks away.  When I finally get their attention, they sheepishly admit that "they didn't see me."  I once went nuts on a salesman for saying that.

"How can you not see me?  I'm as big as a house!"

The manager stepped in and apologized.

I've been growing my beard out for 4 months for a Santa stage roll.  The show is over and overnight I removed four inches of hair from my face and dyed whatever was left a light brown (as opposed to it's natural white).  Nobody noticed.

How could nobody notice?!  People I see every day make no mention or notice of things like that because, as a big man, I'm invisible.

My wife says they're afraid to say anything.

Here's how it must be then:

"Did you seen Alan today?"

"Yes.  He looks so good without that huge white beard."

"Of, for God's sake DON'T TELL HIM THAT.  The LAST thing we want is for him to think that we actually NOTICE him."

Being invisible can have its advantages, sure.  But for the most part, I'd rather be seen (for the right reasons, of course).  It's sad that I don't fit into the concept people have of what I should look like.  I think it's time people got over that and accepted the Big as people, too.

What to Wear?

You never realize how often you have to bend over until you wear pants that don't fit well.

As a Big person, finding clothes that fit and don't look like a circus tent is not easy. Sometimes you just have to find a personal style that works for you. Due to my job, I don't have to coat-and-tie it, but I can't wear jeans and T-shirts.  So I went the way of the Polo.  Polos are great for Big people because they don't look bad, and they have enough give in them so you're comfortable.

I also like Dockers, or Dockers-type pants.  There's a website -- Homer Men & Boys Store - that sells Wranglers in large sizes.  I really like the Wranglers because, well, they fit my butt.  The downside of Dockers-type pants is that after a while the material just gives out.  They don't tear, the seams don't split.  The material just wears to nothing and eventually opens right up (often at the worst possible moment).  I've taken to writing the purchase date inside my pants now to see just how long they actually last.  I'll let you know.

Retail stores are not Big-friendly.  Many is the time I've been in a Gap or Banana Republic or Target and found NOTHING in my size.  Now, keep in mind I'm only a XXL with a 48" waist.  It's astounding how everything cuts off right before that size.  The most accommodating?  K-Mart.  Don't laugh.

I've tried many of the online stores as well, such as King Size Direct.  I love their King's Court dress shirts.  Unfortunately, their dressier clothes are polyester.  I'm not a fan of Big Dogs.  I mean, EVERYBODY knows I'm big.  Why does my T-shirt have to advertise it?

Casual Male has some good stuff, but it can get a bit overpriced.  Also, for some reason it doesn't match my proportions.  I've spent lots of time trying on clothes there to find nothing that fits.  And speaking of overpriced, check out Rochester Big & Tall.  Their clothes are very nice, but their prices are stupid high.

There needs to be differentiation in large sizes.  There are those with the bulk in the gut, some with the bulk in the butt.  It's not a one-size-fits-all situation.

I suspect I'll be writing posts about clothing again.  It's a big topic.  Just because you're big doesn't mean you don't want to look good, and you CAN and SHOULD look good.  Don't listen to what people tell you -- just because you're Big doesn't mean you're ugly.

Santa

Not a lot of big people hold a place in lore and culture in a positive way.  Perhaps the most beloved big person is Santa Claus.  I object to the whole "jolly" thing, but it's still a positive character.

Because of this, every Christmastime I'm tapped to be Santa somewhere.  I don't always do it, but once in a while I do.  I like playing Santa for the most part, mainly because it's something I can do that thinner people can't do quite as effectively.  Also the fact that I can grow a big, busy beard helps.  I sort of hate the beard.  Though I normally sport a beard, letting it grow out makes me look, well, like Santa.  Without the red suit I basically look like a big man with a big, bushy beard.  Let's just say people don't look at me and smile -- more like they look at me and hide their valuables.

So, what other big people are held in esteem in culture and lore?  Fezziwig?  Fat Albert?  Horton the Elephant?  The cast of Mike & Molly?  The list is short.

BBW's and BHM's

I was reading an article the other day that really bothered me, but it didn't surprise me.  The article was about how Big folk fare in the dating world.  They addressed BBW's (Big, Beautiful Women) and BHM's (Big, Handsome Men -- or Big Hunky Men).

While it's a given that anyone who is Big will have trouble, they identified something that was sort of not fair.  While there are men who openly pursue BBW's, the BHM's are out in the cold.  The majority of thin women they interviewed admitted they did not want to date BHM's, and the majority of BBW's they interviewed also admitted they did not want to date BHM's.

Yes, there are exceptions.  There always are.

I noticed back when I was in school that the overweight girls could usually find a date, but the overweight boys could not.  I thought it was my imagination.

I have no advice on this.  It's a sucky cross to carry.  Society isn't always right.

Just be yourself.  If you're Big, you're Big.  There is always hope.

I always figured I'd be a good "second choice" -- after all the pretty guys were taken, I'd suddenly look good.  I can't say that happened to me, but I did eventually get married, albeit later in life.  My wife will clearly admit that when she first met me I would not have been someone she would have ever considered.  When we married, she was 39.

I also have a friend -- let's call him JK.  He, like me, is Big.  He just got married.  He's 49, she's a bit older.

No happy resolution to this one, folks.  We're Big, not bad.  We can be nice guys if given a chance.

So You've Decided to Be Big ...

So you've decided to be big. It's a bold life choice, and one that will present untold challenges. But fret not -- you're not alone. Many, many people out there are big, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, despite what the populous and media try to tell us.

Let's get a few things straight first. As far as I'm concerned, the preferred term is "big." "Fat" has a derogatory tone to it (with "Fatties" being downright insulting). There's also Overweight and Horizontally Challenged. Obese is too judgmental and harsh. So let's stick to "big," okay?

I've been big my whole life. As early as I remember I was the fat kid (yes, there's that word again). Even during a period in college where I lost a LOT of weight, I was still big.  I never felt sorry for myself about it or felt bad about it -- there was no need as so many people were willing to attempt to do that for me.

I can sum up the biggest problem with being Big with this simple observation: it's the most visible of problems.  First, assume being Big is a problem.  It's not a huge problem, but it's a problem nonetheless.  Okay, now do a line-up.  Standing side-by-side is an alcoholic, drug addict, child rapist, Wall Street fat-cat, serial killer, terrorist and an overweight person.  Now ask the person viewing the line-up to identify the person they perceive as having a problem.  Guess who they'll pick?

As for me, I'll take being Big over being a serial killer any day.

So, why the blog?  It's my attempt to show that being Big doesn't mean you're defective, and that there are many problems and pitfalls we have to face every day.  You're not alone.